Translation Please?

I'm learning new things all the time. Consider this translation key from a humorous web site...

• It's your decision = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
• Do what you want = "You'll pay for this later."
• We need to talk = "I need to complain."
• We need = "I want"
• I'm not upset = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
• You're so manly = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = "I want a new house."
• Hang the picture there = "NO, I mean hang it there!"
• I heard a noise = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
• Do you love me? = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
• How much do you love me? = "I did something today you're really not going to like."
• I'll be ready in a minute = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV."
• What's wrong? Nothing = "Everything."